I am not fearless, but I am trying. Some days I struggle with trying to feel normal all day, others I am totally fine. What causes this? Anxiety.
This is a hard post for me to write, because I really don’t like talking about my anxiety. I would say a small handful of people even know I struggle with anxiety. Most brush me off as acting “crazy” or being a “hypochondriac”. Sure, I guess I am. Outwardly, I seem fine almost all of the time. In fact, one of my co-workers has mentioned that I’m the most “normal” one at the office. But inside, I feel like a huge mess.
I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder. It’s something I’ve been to the doctor about and diagnosed with. And my trigger? My fear of death and lack of control. I wish I knew exactly why, or what triggered this, but I don’t. I do know I’ve been to more funerals than weddings in my lifetime. I do know that my mom has admitted going through periods of extreme anxiety, so it’s probably a combination of things from my childhood and genetics. But, its kind of embarrassing. Like social anxiety, I understand. But constantly worrying that I’m going to have some disease and die? Seems a bit ridiculous, because instead of spending my life living, I spend my time worrying.
I think the biggest thing I struggle with is to accept that I am okay. I’ve had more blood tests than I’d like to count. I’ve had more EKGs than I’d like to count too. My heart races, my chest tightens, and I feel like I’m surely having a heart attack. Nope, just anxiety.
But, this post isn’t about my symptoms. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I want to #BeFearless. Everyday I try to work on my anxiety issues and get over my fears. I am well aware that I am irrational. I am well aware that I am not actually dying (okay, well technically we all are slowly dying or whatever, but you know what I mean). I am aware that more than likely, I don’t have some secret disease that will change my life. I am well aware that there are actually people like Marla, Kate, and Kristan with serious and sometimes debilitating auto immune disorders that live fearlessly everyday sharing their stories. The reason I don’t like talking about my anxiety is because I don’t want to discount anyone who actually has a serious disease. I do not want anxiety to be my crutch or a reason for anyone to feel differently towards me.
I am okay most of the time. Am I fearless? Right now, no. I let things that most people would never notice bother me, keep me up at night. But I am trying. I am trying to #BeFearless everyday, and I sure hope I succeed.
Are you living fearlessly, or are you a work in progress too?